


Everything I Am

by aceoftwos



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: (eventually) - Freeform, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-16 23:51:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5845783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceoftwos/pseuds/aceoftwos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I missed you, even though you were never gone.” / “I missed you, and I didn’t even know you.” </p><p>Kaito loses his memory and Shinichi has to deal with the consequences. A story of bad memories (and a few good ones), nosy interfering friends, and how to fall in love with someone you married four years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Speeding Tickets

**Author's Note:**

> hi. you're in for a very long ride. i swear this didn't start out this long (it was suppose to be less than 1000w and i will probably always be vaguely annoyed by that fact). but. i don't know. shit happened and it just kept growing. anyways! i hope you enjoy it, y'know, as much as you can really enjoy an angst fic... 
> 
> disclaimer: i know nothing about amnesia aside from shitty tv cliches.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He presses down hard on the gas pedal and doesn’t spare a thought for the speeding ticket that's going to be sitting in their mailbox tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the prologue.

_It’s like something out of a nightmare. It’s the end of the heist, it’s all supposed to be over now._

_But it’s not._

_Kid gets shot out of the sky and no one sees where the bullet comes from. No one sees Snake grinning in the shadows, Chianti lying beside him with her eye pressed to the scope of a sniper rifle. Only one person sees Kid crash into the park on 2 nd Street. He presses down hard on the gas pedal and doesn’t spare a thought for the speeding ticket that’s going to be sitting in their mailbox tomorrow. _

_He’s too busy hoping Kaito is okay, too busy thinking:_ Nobody was supposed to get hurt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. in this world, the two organizations are connected. perhaps only tangentially but there are ties. 
> 
> 2\. no one likes snake. no one. chianti and korn flipped a coin for the job and chianti is super fucking pissed that she lost. she debated just shooting snake instead but settled for missing the shot by a slight margin, just to spite him.


	2. Be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I sit in the chair next to the bed, watch his eyes follow me with curiosity and none of their familiar warmth, and wonder what people are supposed to do in this sort of situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we just got a kitten and he was attacking my feet as i wrote this.

SHINICHI

Fifteen minutes and four speeding tickets later, I pull up outside the park and scramble out of the car. I barely remember to grab the first aid kit from the backseat.

It takes another two minutes for me to find him. He’s curled under a tree, on top of a pile of broken branches, cradling his head in his arms. There isn’t a lot of blood on the ground, or his suit. I crouch next to him and pull his arms away so I can get a better look at his injury. Immediately, I know this is beyond my amateur medical skills; it’s beyond Ai’s expert medical skills and rudimentary lab equipment. This definitely requires a hospital. _Shit_.

“It’s okay—”

I strip him of Kid’s gear, too shaken to remember where all his tricks are hidden. Only muscle memory and dumb luck ensures that I don’t trigger any of them.

“—you’re going to be fine—”

Resolutely _not_ looking at Kaito’s expression, I shove my arms under his knees and put a hand on his back so I can lift him and carry him over to the car. The only response is whimpering. I pull out the spare clothing hidden under the passenger seat and redress him in casual, non-incriminating clothes.

“—please, you have to be okay—”

It takes time to sprint back and collect Kid’s gear— _it’s necessary, necessary, necessary, fuck, why is this necessary?_ —time I don’t have. I fold up his hang glider and slide it back into its pocket. Tonight’s jewel, a brightly colored glass bowl with a relatively large gem set in the bottom, is lying on the ground next to where Kid fell. Even in my rush, I have to squash the desire to hold it up to the light, to see if this is worth it, to see if it’s Pandora. I pick it up, along with a few stray smoke bombs and a tube of glitter glue, and shove everything into my pockets.

“—I can’t lose you—!”

Twenty minutes later I’m leading Kaito, limping and just barely conscious, into the waiting room at Beika General Hospital.

* * *

 

SHINICHI

It’s close to five in the morning when I knock on Ran’s door. Hakaba answers it, Ran hovering at his elbow. They’re both in their pyjamas. “He’s going to be okay.” Ran smiles and sags into Hakuba’s side. Hakuba’s expression relaxes a bit as he opens the door wider for me. I step into the entryway and close the door behind me. “Major bruising and a bump on the head, but they say it doesn’t look serious. Oh, and a sprained ankle. The branches broke his fall for the most part. He got off lucky.”

“That’s great to hear, I’m so relieved.” Ran hugs me and I lean into her familiar comfort for a moment before releasing her back to Hakuba. “How are you holding up?”

“I mean, I’ve been better… but I’m okay. I just wanted you stop in and give you an update on my way home. I’ve got some things to do before I head back to the hospital.” Namely, getting all of Kid’s gear out of my car and back where it belongs.

“Of course,” Hakuba replies.

“We’ll swing by when Kaito is out of the hospital,” I promise.

“You better,” Ran says, steel in her tone.

“Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

 

SHINICHI

When I walk into the hospital for the second time that day, there are doctors shuffling about with paper cups filled with coffee, nurses running from room to room, patients being brought in. It’s still too early for visiting hours.

With thinly-veiled sympathy in his expression, the nurse at the front desk lets me in. Maybe he remembers me from this morning. I nod at him, offer as much of a smile as I can manage under the circumstances, and pass through to room 413. Kaito is awake and sitting almost cross-legged on the bed, one leg stuck out to accommodate his sprained ankle.

“Kaito! You’re awake, thank god. I was so worried—”

“I’m sorry, but… who are you?”

He looks serious, no trace of recognition anywhere in his expression. Not that Kaito would ever joke like this, especially not right now. I back out of the room, heart lodged in my throat, head for the nurses’ station and ask them to pull up his charts. He has _amnesia_. They thought I was told this morning— _that’s why that nurse looked so sympathetic_ —so no one told me. I feel dizzy, unsure.

The nurse asks if I’m okay. I tell him I’m fine but it’s clear that neither of us believe it.

* * *

 

SHINICHI

I walk back into the room half an hour later, attempting to look like I haven’t been losing my mind for the past ten minutes and unsure of how successful I’m being. Kaito looks startled when I step inside, not guarding his expression at all. Is it because he still trusts me, somewhere in his subconscious? Or maybe he’s forgotten his poker face too. Or maybe I’m just doing a really lousy job of seeming calm.

I sit in the chair next to the bed, watch with a sinking heart as his eyes follow me with curiosity and none of their familiar warmth, and silently wonder what people are supposed to do in this sort of situation. Is there some sort of protocol to follow? Boxes I should be ticking off? A memo I missed?

“So, uh…” Kaito rubs his thumb and index fingers together, a nervous habit from long before I ever knew him. His voice is hesitant and unlike him, but it’s better than listening to the clock tick it’s way through another minute of the eternity I see stretched before me. “Who are you?”

“My name is Kudo Shinichi, I’m a detective.”

“Kudo Shinichi…” He repeats the name, rolling it over his tongue as if trying to find a familiar sound. It couldn’t be more obvious that he doesn’t recognize me at all. I want to shake him, plead with him, do _something_. “What are you? To me, I mean. What are you to me?”

“I’m…” For a moment, I can’t force the words out. How do you explain something like this? It’s such a bizarre thing to have to tell someone, that you’ve been married for four years. “I’m your husband.”

“Oh.”

He doesn’t look horrified or disgusted, which is probably something that I should have been worried about, but then again, Kaito’s not usually one to judge. Kaito looks like he’s about to say something but I cut him off and ask, “How much do you remember?”

“I’m a magician,” Kaito says. Of course he remembers that. “My name is Kuroba Kaito. I… well, I really hate, uh, finny things, not sure why. And… that’s it. I think. I can’t remember much else.” Everything. He just— _I just, oh god, this can’t be real, it has to be a nightmare_ —lost everything. I’m not sure what my face looks like right now, but it’s obviously upsetting him. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I reply, my voice sounding stronger than I feel. “You got sh—hurt, Kaito. That’s not your fault.” He looks like he’s about to say something else, maybe apologize again, so I cut him off again. I notice that my hands are shaking. “Has a woman been by yet? Nakamori Aoko?”

“Oh. Uh, no. You’re the only visitor I’ve had.”

“I better call her, let her know what happened.”

I back out of the room again, feeling like I’m running away. But standing in the hallway, not staring into familiar eyes that don’t recognize me, makes it a little easier to breath. I count to ten and let my heart rate drop back to a normal level, then I pull out my phone to call Aoko- _san_. There’s a series of voicemails from the hospital, missed because my phone was on vibrate and then buried under Kid’s things. I speak softly to avoid disturbing the other patients, relay the information as quickly and calmly as I can.

She doesn’t ask if Kaito is going to be okay. Of course he will, he’s _Kaito_. He’ll be okay. He has to be okay. Instead, she asks, “Are you okay, Shinichi- _kun_?” I want to tell her I’m fine, of course I am, but the lie dies on my tongue.

“Honestly? No, I’m not okay,” I say, too forcefully. “I got called in at seven o’clock yesterday morning and I’ve been awake since then because I got asked to consult on that stupid fucking serial killer case. They wouldn’t tell me _anything_ , despite asking for my help, because apparently I still haven’t earned their respect even though I’ve been working for them for almost ten fucking years. Even though I’ve been helping solve cases since I was fourteen. I couldn’t figure out anything because of it and I had to waste a whole day playing polite with the higher ups on the off-chance that I could _maybe_ get the information I needed. Then Kid’s heist, and now this. Just, god, I swear this wouldn’t be hitting me so hard if I wasn’t so tired but I don’t know what to do! He doesn’t remember me, but he remembers that he’s fucking afraid of fish. He doesn’t remember _anything_ important.” I realize I’ve been ranting at her for a solid minute. “Fuck, I’m sorry Aoko- _san_ , I didn’t mean to unload all that on you.”

She’s silent for a long moment, then says, “I’m on my way.”

When I step back into the room Kaito’s eyes follow me to the chair, guilty and apologetic. I didn’t shut the door all the way, did I? “Heard all that, huh?” He nods. “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault. I’m just tired and stressed out. It’s fine.”

“Bu—”

“I’m sure you’ll remember. And if you don’t, well, we’ll figure something out.” He still looks guilty, so I add, “It’s fine, really. It’s not like you were _trying_ to get amnesia.”

“I know, but…”

“It’s not your fault,” I repeat.

“Can’t I just be sorry it happened?”

I don’t have anything to say to that, so I sit back down in the chair and settle in to wait. 

* * *

 

SHINICHI

Aoko- _san_ comes in ten minutes later, shattering the awkward silence with a knock on the door. Kaito shouts, looking shocked, “Ahouko! You grew up!” He pauses then says excitedly, “Aoko, I remember you! You hate Kid the Phantom Thief, you’ve been my best friend since elementary school, your three sizes ar—” He hurries through the words like he might forget them again if he doesn’t get the information out fast enough. Aoko cuts him off by throwing her purse at him. She’s scowling and Kaito is grinning, pleased to have actually remembered something, I assume.

I’m happy he remembers; honestly, I am. It’s good to know that there’s still some hope. Still, when I turn to Aoko- _san_ , there’s clearly something in my expression that she doesn’t like. She lays a hand on my shoulder. “Go home, Shinichi- _kun_. Get some sleep, okay? I can take it from here.”

As much as I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to leave either. But if I don’t sleep soon, I’m going to crash. It’s not like this is a life or death injury, anyways, even if it feels like it. Reluctantly, I get up and start heading for the door. “Wait!” I turn and Kaito is holding out a blue rose, looking hopeful and almost shy. It’s strange to see all of these vulnerable expressions on his face. “I know you know me, obviously, but I’m sort of meeting you for the first time, so… It’s nice to meet you.” I take the rose and stare at it for a moment, then smile. It’s a sad smile, judging from Kaito’s dismayed expression.

“Thanks Kaito. It’s nice to meet you too.”

If the words sound like a lie, no one mentions it.

* * *

 

SHINICHI

I don’t know how I manage to make it home. Everything is a blur up to the moment I step inside our bedroom. I strip and toss my clothes in the general direction of the laundry basket, then I crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling for hours, trying not to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. just to preempt any comments about accuracy, i'm a psych major and i'm fully aware that this is not how amnesia works. fuck the goddamn rules. i do what i want. 
> 
> 2\. i like to think that ran and kaito get along like a house on fire but shinichi and aoko are just... welp. they know each other. they like each other. they just have absolutely nothing in common except their love for kaito which, most of the time, is enough. 
> 
> 3\. being with kaito has done wonders for shinichi's mental health. kaito's taught him to not bottle up his feelings and that it's okay to not be okay every once in a while. unfortunately, that's kinda backfiring rn bc kaito is the person shinichi talks to when he has problems but what the hell good is that when kaito is the one that he needs to talk to kaito about? (he'll remember that ran exists soon. probably.) 
> 
> an: first chapter and i've already made shinichi cry. hurray...


	3. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how much I’d love to pretend that everything is okay, I know that nothing has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gettin' sadder. hope you like it.

SHINICHI

I wake up and for a moment, just a single blissful moment, it’s a normal day. I’ll bug Kaito until he goes to start the coffee maker, then get up and make breakfast, go to work, come home and make dinner, we’ll talk about the new alarm system Inspector Nakamori used at last night’s heist… The illusion shatters as soon as I notice the dampness of my pillow, the distinct lack of someone else in the room.

Everything— _someone shot Kid, he’s okay, **nothing** is okay, Kaito doesn’t remember who I am_ —comes rushing back and no matter how much I’d love to pretend that everything is okay, I know that nothing has changed. Aoko- _san_ would’ve called if anything had.  

Instead of thinking about it more, I crawl out of bed and into the shower. The cool water rinses away all evidence of yesterday’s trials and last night’s nightmares.

* * *

 

SHINICHI

I grab a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans for Kaito on my way out the door, then slide into the car and put it in drive. There’s a Starbucks on the way to the hospital so I stop and buy the biggest size coffee they have and a hot chocolate for Kaito. No way I’m drinking hospital coffee. Never again.

After signing in, I head for Kaito’s room. Unsurprisingly, given that he’s a morning person, he’s awake and staring out the window. I take a minute to watch the morning light kiss his cheek and wish it was me. I force a smile and knock against the door frame. “Good morning,” I say. Kaito looks over, expression open and pleased, and this would be so much easier if he wasn’t acting so much the same.

“Good morning!”

“I’ve got the go ahead to sign you out, so we can leave whenever you’re ready.” I pass him the bag of clothes and he peers inside with interest. “I brought some clothes for you too.”

“Thank fuck,” Kaito says, pulling off the hospital gown. He slides his arms into the sweatshirt then practically jumps into the jeans, only wobbling a little on his bad ankle. “That’s so much better.”

“Yeah,” I agree softly. “It is.” Louder, I say, “I don’t know where you want to go… I could, uh, take you to your mom’s house? Or I’m sure Aoko- _san_ would let you stay with her for a while.”

“You… didn’t you say we were married? Don’t I live with you?”

“I just thought… I mean, all things considered, I’m practically a stranger to you right now.” It comes out sounding bitter. “I didn’t know if you’d want to come home with me.”

He looks serious all of a sudden. “It’s not just you. Everyone is practically a stranger to me right now.” Kaito smiles. “And I think I’d like to go with you. I like you.” His honesty is devastating. It’s funny how, even with no memories, he still knows how to make me feel better. Effortlessly.

“Okay,” I say abruptly. I shove my feelings on the back burner. “Do you want to go now, or..?”

“Yes, please!” Kaito scrambles out of bed. “Get me out of here, I _hate_ hospitals!”

* * *

 

SHINICHI

As I pull into the driveway of Ran and Hakuba’s house, Kaito shows no signs of recognition. Ran’s head is visible in the front window for a moment before disappearing. She opens the door for us as I’m helping Kaito hobble up the stairs on his busted ankle.

“Shinichi, Kaito- _kun_! I heard from Aoko- _chan_ , how are you doing?”

“I’m all right.” Kaito hops up beside her and sways a bit until she steadies him.  He offers her his hand. “You must be… Ran- _san_ , right?”

“Right! I’m Mouri Ran. Oops, Hakuba Ran now. I always forget.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” I say teasingly. “You’ve only been married to him for what, a whole year?”

“Hush, you,” she says, swatting at me with a scowl.

Ran ushers us inside and leads us to the kitchen. There’s four glasses of juice and a plate of cookies already on the table. Kaito sits down and takes two double chocolate chip cookies from the plate. “Saguru should be down in a minute. It was… a bit hectic yesterday, so he’s just finishing up some paperwork.”

“Saguru?”

“He’s… he’s your best friend. One of them, anyways.”

“Another best friend? Does Aoko know him?”

“You were classmates in high school,” I say. “You’ve known Aoko- _san_ the longest because your parents were friends. I think Hakuba and Akako- _san_ transferred into your class during second year.”

“Who’s Akako?”

“She’s… complicated,” I tell him. It’s not exactly a lie. “We can talk about her another day.” I _really_ don’t want to talk about witches right now. Or think about them. Or, heaven forbid, meet one. Kaito pointed out just a week or two ago that Akako always seems to pop up when her name is called. Unsurprisingly, she showed up not ten minutes later. Her grin was sharp enough to match Kid’s on the days he sent his Taskforce running.

“Koizumi- _san_ is slightly more than ‘complicated’, Kudo,” Hakuba says dryly. He looks relieved as he walks down the stairs, eyes on Kaito. “Kurob—”

“Haku- _chan_ , ‘don’t talk out loud. You lower the I.Q. of the whole street,’” Kaito says.

Hakuba freezes on the stairs. “Did you… did you just quote _Sherlock_?”

“Huh? Oh, I guess I did, wh—” Kaito breaks off as he turns to look at Hakuba. His brow furrows and he says, haltingly, “Hakuba Saguru. We were friends but you kept accusing me of… something?” He adds, in a puzzled tone of voice, “Did we ever date? If not, I have a very vivid imagination.”

“Kurob—” Hakuba makes a choked noise in the back of his throat, face going red. I have to stifle a laugh. He looks a bit mortified. “That’s—that was years ago!”

Kaito looks thoughtful for a moment, then looks over his shoulder at me. “How old am I?”

“Twenty-eight this June.” Reluctantly, I add, “We should probably get home soon. I’ve some people to call and… and I have to air out one of the guest rooms.”

“Don’t forget to talk to Satou- _san_! And call me if anything comes up, okay?”

I roll my eyes at Ran and say, “Yes, _mom_.”

* * *

 

SHINICHI

It’s quiet on the way home. Kaito spends most of the ride staring out the window while I try not to feel terrible because he remembered Hakuba and not me. When I turn off the road and into the drive way, he turns to me with wide eyes and squeaks out, “We live _here_?!”

“Of course,” I say, fighting the urge to laugh. “Why else would I be parking the car?”

“But it’s huge!”

“I… I guess so? I’ve never really thought about it, honestly?”

“How rich are we?”

“We’re pretty well off,” I reply. “We’re both damn good at what we do, so. I’m one of the most famous detectives in the country and you’re one of the best magicians in the world. Certainly, you’re the best in Japan.” I pause. “That’s not why we have the house though. I don’t think I’d ever go out and buy _anything_ this size. The house actually belongs to my parents. I never moved out and they don’t come to Japan very often so I inherited it, unofficially.”

“What do your parents do?”

“Mom’s a retired actress, dad’s a mystery novelist. Speaking of parents, your mom is a private jeweller and your dad was a magician too.” I unlock the door and turn back to Kaito. He’s frozen mid-step, expression devastated. “Kaito? Kaito, what’s wrong?”

“Dad… He… died when I was eight,” he says in a hollow tone of voice. “Mom cried for weeks and I didn’t understand why, couldn’t figure out why dad was gone. Aoko said he’d gone to the same place as her mom. She said he was happier now and I didn’t believe her because dad… dad always said that he was happiest with us.”

I know the story, of course, but hearing it like this… I feel like I’ve been drenched in ice water. Of _course_ , one of the first things Kaito remembers has to be one of the most traumatic events of his life. Why the hell did I bring up Toichi- _san_?

“Kaito, can you come here?”

He looks up, expression lost and scared, and it hits me then that Kaito knows nothing. He doesn’t know me, us, or even himself. He steps closer and I wrap my arms around him, just tight enough to be there but not tight enough to be confining. He stands still for a moment, then I’m being clung to like I’m the one piece of stability in his life. The thought terrifies me. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

After a while he untangles himself from me. I drop my arms. He smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Sorry, that… It startled me. I wasn’t expecting to remember anything like that.”

“Kaito, you have to know… You might remember more things like that.” He steps carefully away and leans against the hood of the car, waiting. “Neither of us have had very happy lives.”

“But… we were happy?”

“We were,” I say. The past tense stings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. kaito and shinichi are prone to lazy mornings, even when they've got work. shinichi works mostly later hours and kaito meets with clients when it's convenient for them or works from home. it makes for relaxed living, most of the time. they've learned to balance. 
> 
> 2\. shinichi has no clue how to function under these circumstances. with ran it was easy to just follow kogoro's lead but this... this is kaito. this is kaito and he doesn't know what to do. 
> 
> 3\. after shinichi and his... unreliability... ran needed stability. she understands why now, but it changes nothing. and hakuba becomes her rock. he's reliable to a fault. he never cancels on her or runs out in the middle of their dates to catch murderers. and he loves her. it's enough. they're happy.

**Author's Note:**

> and that's it so far! well, i guess just. comment if you enjoyed it? i'd like that. and feel free to talk to me on [tumblr](http://ao2fics.tumblr.com/)!


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